Chocolate Chip Cookies

cookies These are the scrummiest, yummiest cookies in the whole universe (except for on the Planet Zog in the Outer Spondeeling Galaxy, where alien grannies make cookies SO delicious that Strange Life Forms whizz in from zillions of light-years away to gobble them up).

Here’s what you need:

250g soft butter (easy so far)
50g caster sugar (still peasy)
100g light muscovado sugar (that’s the light brown, squashy-in-the-bag kind)
10oz self-raising flour (that’s the kind that lifts itself off the shelf when you whistle for it) (just kidding)
2 tablespoons milk (the white kind)
225g choccy, very roughly chopped (any kind)

OK so far? Now, here’s what you do:

Turn the oven on to 160º if it’s got a fan or 180º if it hasn’t. (The way to tell if it’s got a fan is to switch it on and if it makes a noise it has and if it doesn’t it hasn’t.)

Put non-stick baking paper onto a couple of baking trays.

In a bowl, beat the sugar (both kinds) and the butter together until it’s all as light and fluffy as Slugger Stubbins isn’t. Then stir in the flour and the milk. Mix it well. Then chuck in the choccy and give it another stir. (Try not to eat too much at this point, even though it’s REALLY yummy. It will be even MORE yummy when it’s cooked – trust me.)

This mixture should make about 18 cookies (depending on how much you’ve already eaten). Take out the first dollop and make it as round as you can by rolling it in your hands (this is difficult coz it’s VERY sticky). Then plonk it on one of the baking sheets and flatten it out a bit. Do the same with all the other dollops. Give them lots of space in between, coz they spread out like cow-pats. Don’t forget to leave some mixture in the bowl to lick out later.

Bake them for 15-20 minutes (bowl-licking time) until they are golden around the edges but still feel quite soft in the middle. Leave them on the baking sheets to cool for about 5 minutes and then move them to a wire rack to cool for as long as you can manage it before you HAVE to start eating them.

Stink Bombs

This recipe is not quite as delicious as the cookies but it can come in very handy, especially if you have Deadly Enemies like Slugger Stubbins and Mr Grimble who are always On the Warpath.

You need:

Eggs (normal eggs are fine; ostrich eggs would be better)
Aluminium foil (this is optional but good if you need your stink bombs in a hurry)
A pin
Toothpicks.

Now, here’s what you do:

First, make holes through the shells of your eggs with the pin. Then, carefully block up the holes with the sharp ends of the toothpicks. (You can break them in half to do this.) (The toothpicks, not the eggs). If you’re using the foil, tear it into bits big enough to half-wrap each egg. Then put the eggs in a sunny place for a few days.

Here’s the Science (bibble bibble): When you make the holes you let air into the eggs and this makes them start rotting. The heat from the sun speeds up all this lovely rotting and the foil speeds it up even more because it reflects extra heat back to the egg. Rotting eggs produce loads of stinky GAS.

After a few days your egg will be really pongy but you won’t smell a thing because of the toothpicks.

You can now use your weapon in one of two ways:

1. The ‘secret agent’ way: You put on a disguise and sneak into a place where your Deadly Enemy hangs out. Remove the toothpicks and hide the egg FAST (before the stink has time to get out of the holes and you expire from all that GAS and are discovered lying cold on the floor by the Deadly E, who will probably (if he’s as half as mean as Slugger Stubbins or Mr Grimble) make you eat the egg there and then.

2. The ‘assassin’ way: This is much easier. You just chuck the egg at your Deadly Enemy like a hand-grenade. In this case it doesn’t matter whether you take out the toothpicks or not, coz the egg will just smash. The only thing that matters is that you are a fast runner.

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